Ok, so I know that the Lord allows us to go through trials and tribulations and testing to build us and help us to become stronger and wiser and to also share what we've gone through to help others through their struggles and to give them hope. What I'm about to share has lots of parts that I am not proud of at all and sadly brings some embarrassment to my husband. He & I have talked about it and although he isn't thrilled with me sharing it, he realizes that it's my testimony and that what I have been through has been used to help friends of mine and may touch other women that might come across this blog. It's pretty long but I'll try to shorten it where I can! LOL
Here we go :)
My hubby (Josh) and I met when I was 17 and he was 19. We worked together and were just friends. He was living with his girlfriend at the time and their son. I had no interest in dating him but it was fun to flirt. Well, about a year later we bumped into each other and we were both single then so we started dating. We dated for about a year before we moved in together. There wasn't a whole lot of drama with the ex and son prior to us moving in together but there was some. At one point she tried to break us up but after the truth came out we worked through it. After we moved in together it got a lot harder. We had lots of issues and I had a hard time being in the "stepmom" role. After about a year I couldn't handle it anymore so we broke up. We went our seperate ways for a little while but I had developed pictures that were of him and his son so I called to make arrangements to give them to him. A girl answered his phone and I hung up. Later I found out from Josh that he was seeing someone and she had moved in and it was a shock to me. It had only been like a month since we'd broken up so long story short, it sparked some jealousy so I started to pursue him again. His son's mom had moved on and was finally dating someone so she wasn't as intrusive in hubby's life anymore and that was the biggest perk. Hubby very quickly asked his current girlfriend to move out and we started "seeing" each other again. Blah, blah, blah...we ended up pregnant with our son, Keegan. It was a HUGE shock, definitely not planned. I freaked out and thought my life was over. After that initial shock, I fell in love with the idea of being a mom but you know, I was only 21, wasn't really in a serious relationship with Josh so of course at first I was confused and worried. Anyways, we moved right back in together and he proposed but I was still unsure of whether I wanted to be with him or not. As horrible as it sounds, I felt like I had to marry him because we had a kid together. We got married right after Keegan's 1st birthday. Even after getting married I was still half in and half out of the marriage. There was always drama with my stepson and his mom and life was a nightmare. Sure we had our good times and I did love Josh but I always felt like the grass was greener on the other side. Anytime we'd fight I'd threaten to move out or something but felt trapped because I was a stay-at-home mom and didn't want to be a single parent trying to work full time and share custody. Eventually though, I got saved and totally gave my life to the Lord. I went through drastic changes and that brought on different struggles in our marriage. Josh went to church with me for awhile but then said he wouldn't go anymore because he felt like a hypocrit. I went for awhile by myself but there was always that inner battle of wanting to stay home with my hubby but wanting to go to church. After about 2 years I started drifting away from the Lord. I still loved the Lord and tried to be good but I quit going to church and started listening to secular music and eventually started talking to an old guy friend from high school on myspace. It started out innocently, I had absolutely no intention of anything going beyond a friendship but after a few weeks of emailing, chatting online and a few phone calls I started having feelings for this person. I was unhappy with my life with my hubby and to his defense, he was a very good husband but we were still trying to figure out how to deal with his ex and his other son and dealing with completely different spiritual views and a bunch of other stuff. The world tells us to do what feels good, to have fun, to live for ourselves, etc. and I started falling for it. I wasn't happy and dang it, I needed to do something for myself and blah blah blah. I asked for a seperation. For the record, that guy I was talking to was living in Alaska so I never actually dated him or whatever. But I felt like if I was having feelings for someone else then it wasn't fair to hubby or I. I moved out and got my own place. I was working full time, started going to bars with friends again, started seeing someone from work, started smoking again and the whole time I just felt lost. I had gone from being a young, carefree girl to becoming a mother and wife and felt like I had lost myself along the way. So when I left Josh I reverted back to the girl I was before I got married because I didn't know what else to do or how to be me. I knew what I was doing was so wrong. I didn't go to church, I didn't pray, it was so bad that I wouldn't return phone calls to my dear friend Deena because I knew she would quote scripture to me. I was never alone in the quiet. If I was at home I always had the tv or radio on because I could hear the Lord trying to talk to me, trying to tell me that I wasn't doing what He wanted me to do. I would fall asleep watching tv because I couldn't handle the quiet, couldn't handle hearing what God was telling me. I was having fun, I didn't want to deal with my stepson and his mom and I didn't want to deal with having to work at my marriage. The media (tv, movies, music, etc.) tries to make us think that a perfect marriage is one that doesn't take work, one that if full of rainbows and butterflies and constant mushy gushy stuff and that wasn't my marriage. Maybe I married the wrong person. Well, after about a month hubby started talking to a girl and that freaked me out again so I said I wanted to get back together. I worried that if I waited too long to figure out what I wanted then he would have moved on and wouldn't want me back and that freaked me out. I moved back home and we went to counselling for awhile but the lady wasn't a christian counselor and seemed to not really do any good. After a few sessions we quit going. Things seemed like they were fine, we got back into the routine of life and eventually started trying to get pregnant. Well, I got pregnant but lost the baby after about 8 weeks. I was devastated but knew that the Lord had a plan and was in control so although I was sad, I knew the baby was in His arms and that's a far better place then here on earth! I started thinking again that I didn't want to be with hubby anymore and that led to me leaving again. We sold our house and both moved into seperate apartments. This time I chose not to date or talk to anyone. I knew there was something wrong with me and I needed to be alone and try to figure it out. I didn't go to bars, I didn't drink but I started smoking again. After awhile I noticed that on my days off I was spending all my time with hubby and Keegan. We'd hang out at either his place or my place or we'd all go out to eat or whatever. After awhile I broke down crying and asked how he could be my best friend but how I could feel so unhappy in our marriage. We decided to start dating again and gave it a month before we moved back in together. I knew he was who the Lord wanted me to be with. I started reading every christian book I could get my hands on about being a wife, about being a stepmom, about marriage in general, about being married to an unbeliever and I started going to church again. I read scripture after scripture about God's purpose and plan for marriage, about how a wife is to behave and treat her husband. I read Jon Coursin's teaching about dating and marriage and about how we might have married #875 on God's list of husbands for us but the instant we said "I do", that man just became #1 on God's list! Not only did I read all that, I took a long hard look at my husband. This man had been put through HELL by me and yet he still loved me and accepted me. I hurt him more than anyone has ever hurt him but he forgave me and continued to work with me to make our marriage happy for both of us. He worked on some things with the way he deals with his ex and son to help me be more happy and I fell deeper and more in love with him then I had ever been. Divorce is no longer even a possibility for me. Josh is my husband until death and I am 100% committed to him and to our family. I adore him so much. So all that stuff I went through and all that I put Josh through, yes, it totally sucked and I wish it hadn't happened but you know what, the Lord used my horrible mistakes for something truly amazing! My marriage is more than I ever could have hoped for. When I hear of women leaving their husbands it breaks my heart! If they only knew how truly amazing their marriages could be if they'd put the Lord at the center and not focus on their own selfish feelings and if they'd quit listening to the world. I've been there and thought my marriage was completely done and I see it now and I'm totally in awe and on my knees thanking the Lord for saving me from making probably the biggest mistake of my life! Our marriage is not perfect, we still have issues with the ex and my stepson but instead of battling with each other, we're getting better about dealing with it as a team and not letting it upset our relationship. It's been 3 years since our seperations and we both realize that for our marriage to be happy it takes work from both of us. We're still learning how to communicate and I'm doing a lot of reading and studying about what God says about my role as a wife. I'm so thankful that He's given us the Bible as an instruction guide on life. It has all the answers THANK GOODNESS! LOL So yeah, hopefully I told the story well enough. Sorry it was long and hopefully it wasn't too choppy.
A big thank you to my amazingly fabulous husband! I know it's not easy having me share what we went through but if it helps even one marriage then it's so worth it! I love you babe, thank you for loving me way more than I ever deserved! I hope to spend the rest of my life making it up to you and showing you just how much I love and adore you!
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